


If you're foolishly in love with me

by jperalta



Series: The Depressed Jake Peralta Universe [4]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy Santiago Loves Jake Peralta, Anxious Amy Santiago, Depressed Jake Peralta, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Whump, F/M, Hurt Jake Peralta, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:06:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26014729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: Hello and welcome back to another episode of:Jake Peralta has extreme depression and Amy feels sad and anxious that she can't do more to help
Relationships: Jake Peralta & Amy Santiago, Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Series: The Depressed Jake Peralta Universe [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677742
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	If you're foolishly in love with me

Jake had woken up with Amy this morning, tried to eat breakfast but only got a few bites down.

“It’s okay,” Amy had said, tears in her eyes, trying to hide her concern. She had taken the plate away and dumped the food into the garbage disposal - eggs, bacon, hash browns. The machine made a clanging sound as it sucked it all away. Amy let herself cry for a bit as she washed the dishes, her back turned to Jake.

But even with her back turned, Jake could tell she was crying and he felt a horrible guilt. “I’m sorry,” he muttered as his fingers started twitching. “I don’t know why it’s so bad again.”

Amy didn’t know how to respond and took out her anxiety on the plate, scrubbing it hard with the back of the sponge until part of the design started scratching away. By the time she finished her hands were pink. She couldn’t control how Jake felt, but she could control how clean things were. She’d been cleaning even more than normal the past few days and her body was sore.

In the silence Jake felt the sadness creeping around again in every part of him - his stomach, his throat, his chest, everywhere. Tears were coming to his eyes and he didn’t even realize it until his vision started blurring. The world was moving around him at what seemed like an incredibly fast pace, and all he could do was sit still - stuck. 

Amy wiped at her eyes with her sleeve then turned back around, leaning against the counter. She could see Jake still sitting at the table, eyes glossy as he stared longingly at something neither of them could see. She said his name once, twice, but no movement. It was like someone had just switched his brain off, or switched _him_ off altogether. He was just existing in standby mode, head feeling heavy like it was full of tar.

When she touched his shoulder, Jake twitched and looked to her as if he had absolutely no idea what was going on. Seconds or hours could have passed and he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Amy rubbed at his shoulder with her thumb. “I have to run to the store,” she said. And although she already knew the answer, she added, “would you want to come with me?”

Jake looked up at her, saw the concern in her face and had to look away. Instead he reached a hand up to hers and let out a small smile that she knew right away was a lie. Her hands were dry from all the scrubbing she’d done on the dishes and Jake couldn’t help but to feel responsible. He remembered her question and couldn’t think of an excuse, just hung his head and apologized again. It was important of her to ask, he knew that. It was just that sometimes he wished she didn’t push when he had nothing to give. But it wasn’t her fault. Nothing had ever been her fault. She was doing her best with a person who sometimes turned off for weeks at a time.

She kissed him on the top of his head, watched as the tears in his eyes restrained themselves from spilling onto his cheeks. “Do you want me to call your doctor today?”

The thought of her doing that, talking to his psychiatrist about how completely broken he was yet again, made him feel even more queasy. “I can do it,” he said quietly, and immediately sensed the doubt radiating from Amy’s body. “I will, I promise.” He wanted to look at her but couldn’t. He wanted to do a lot of things but couldn’t.

“I believe you,” Amy said before slipping into a pair of shoes and grabbing her keys. “I won’t be long.” She walked out the door and looked back at Jake before locking it. Sometimes he felt that her love for him was overwhelming, but then he hated himself for thinking such a thing. It’s just that sometimes he felt that he couldn’t live up to it. If someone loved and believed in him so much, why couldn’t he leave the house?

When she was gone, there was a strange sense of timelessness - a weird sort of freedom knowing that he could just sit there for however long with no desire or need to do anything at all. But that wasn’t the case - he’d made a promise. And Amy had believed him. His eyes twisted in the direction of his phone as it sat on the table, hardly touched. When he picked it up, he saw several messages from various friends. _How are you? Is Amy there? Where have you been? Is it happening again? Take care of yourself._ It was all too much. He went right to the email app and sent his doctor’s office a message asking for them to call as soon as they could. And of course he hoped that email would go unseen so that he could get the credit for trying without actually doing anything. 

Jake managed to lift himself out of the dining chair and walked towards the bedroom with his hands in his sweatpants pockets, one hand clutching his phone. Inside it was dark, the curtains still drawn tight and all the lights off. The bed looked so tempting, the sheets still undone and ready for him to crawl back in. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew if Amy came home and found him lying in his bed in the dark it would make her sad, make her feel guilty about leaving even for a bit. But it wouldn’t be her fault. She had to know that. So he gave in, shuffled towards the bed and fell back into it, satisfying that odd dark craving within him. The silence started morphing into a persistent static sound, like he was living inside of a broken television. And he thought that if he could stay this way forever, it wouldn’t be okay but it would make sense.

After a few moments his phone rang, the sound giving him the burst of anxiety he always felt at a phone call. He wiped off his palms, tried to prepare himself mentally for something that shouldn’t be so hard.

“Hello?”

“Jake? What’s going on - are you okay? Are you safe?”

Jake didn’t know how to answer that. He didn’t feel okay or safe but he knew what the doctor meant. “I haven’t hurt myself and I’m not thinking about it,” _right now_ , he wanted to add.

He heard the doctor let out a breath. “Okay, good. So what’s going on?”

Jake took in a shaky breath and pulled the sheets up to his neck. “It’s happening again,” he said quietly.

The doctor was silent for a moment. “What’s ‘it’?”

Jake repositioned himself in the bed. “The nothingness, the sadness, this feeling that I’m slowly being crushed by something massive that I can’t escape from.” There was the sound of something crackling within the phone.

“Are you still taking your medication?”

He had been. Amy had been making sure of that. “Yes, but…” The tightness in his chest was throbbing now. He felt the sadness well up within him before he finally started sobbing as he choked out, “why aren’t they working anymore?” Another silence. “I’m doing everything right. I’m taking the medication you give me. I’m going to therapy. I’m going to work. I just… I don’t understand how I can feel so bad.” The tears were pouring out of him now, falling onto the pillow, making up for all the time he’d spent holding them back.

“Jake,” the doctor began, his mind clearly trying to decide what to say next. “First of all, I’m glad you’re still taking your medication. I want you to double your dose for now. Let your partner know, too. I’ll send over a new prescription for the new dosage. But also…” Jake sniffled, trying to gain control of his crying. “Just because you feel bad again - that doesn’t negate all the progress you’ve made. People with depression can still sometimes get episodes while on medication.”

Jake scoffed. “Then, what’s the point in trying any of them?”

“Because, without them things could be much worse. And each episode could last longer.”

It made sense. Jake sighed, trying to push down the sickness he still felt. “So, double the dose? That’s it?” He felt so hopeless, like everything he was pushing himself to do was all for nothing. Getting out of bed, calling the doctor, talking to anyone - it didn’t seem to make a difference.

“Take your medication, talk to your therapist, talk to your partner. Go to work when you can. I promise you, it will pass. It always does.”

Jake tried to believe it but just felt upset that there wasn’t some sort of instant cure. If not for him, for Amy, so she wouldn’t have to deal with him feeling like this anymore. “Okay,” he muttered into the phone. The doctor said something in response, but Jake had already hung up. He curled further into himself in the bed, pulling the sheets tighter around him, as if he could just trap himself here and never have to do anything. Maybe it would pass, but right now this felt like eternity. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. All he ever wanted to do anymore was sleep.

When Amy came back home, she half-expected to see Jake still sitting at the table, that haunted empty look in his eyes. But when she saw the kitchen was empty, she placed her bag on the table and slowly walked over to the bedroom. And of course, there was Jake, curled up in the bed in the dark.

Amy’s presence in the room made Jake stir out of the half-asleep state he’d been in. When he looked over to her figure in the doorway, he sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just can’t…” He didn’t know what he was going to say so he just stopped. Amy walked towards him, sat down on the bed near him and put a hand on his cheek. Jake winced, almost feeling he didn’t deserve tenderness or love, but eventually he let himself soak up the kindness of her touch. “I know you hate when I stay in bed,” he said, his voice cracking. “I just… I don’t think I can do anything else.”

“No, sweetie, no - it’s not your fault. She leaned forwards, placed her lips onto his temple. “You’re sick, I know. You can’t control it.”

Jake swallowed, hoping it would resolve the lump in his throat but of course it didn’t. “I talked to the doctor.” He could tell Amy was practically surprised.

“What’d he say?”

“Uh, he doubled my dose. Told me to keep doing therapy. Keep doing everything I’ve been doing, and that it will pass.”

The unsure promise of future contentment hung between them. 

“Okay,” Amy said, kicking off her shoes. “In the meantime, I’m here. Scoot over.” So Jake did, and Amy crawled under the sheets with him. “Come here,” she reached out her arms and Jake slid between them. Amy moved her legs so that theirs were intertwined. Their heads rested against the shoulders of the other. “I love you, Jake.”

Jake started to cry again as he buried his nose in Amy’s neck. Her hand was running through his hair and he thought back to the question the doctor had asked him earlier: _are you safe?_ “I love you, too,” he whispered. “I’m glad I have you.”

Now Amy was crying too as she clutched him tighter, and they continued to lie laced together on the bed in the darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to all the people who are struggling right now. Shout out to everyone else too. I want to hug the world
> 
> Sad Day - FKA twigs


End file.
